by Malandrae Moonwhisper
Hello everyone! When Miss Chelody told me about this paper that the Order publishes, I just had to read some of the wonderful articles in it! After seeing everything that the fantastic writers have contributed, I realized that there is something crucial that has not been covered in the paper yet, and I had to write something down. That topic is of course, fashion.
Fashion you say? Why would you care about fashion when there are dragons and demons and cultists trying to destroy the world? WELL, let me tell you why! If there is one thing that makes all of these evils demons and people that are trying to destroy us all have something in common, what would it be? They’re pretty scary looking, that’s what! That’s because they have absolutely NO fashion sense!
Why should this matter to you? I confess that I have only been wandering the world for a short period of time, but if there is one thing I have seen time and time again, it is adventurers wearing armor that is so horrible looking, so poorly matched and maintained, that I was not sure whose side they were on! You don’t want to get accidentally axed by your friends because they think you are an undead thing do you? No, you don’t, and that’s why fashion should be your number one concern when venturing out into the world!
So how do you start? No matter what kind of armor and equipment you like to wear, the very first thing you should do is strap it on and take a look at yourself in the mirror. Does the reflection give you pause? Are you considering grabbing your ax when you see what your armor looks like? Well then, you are doing it wrong!
The first step is color! If you haven’t noticed yet, evil monster things tend to be all dark and gloomy and have a lot of ichor and stuff on them. You don’t want to look like this, trust me! You don’t even want to look like this when you first get out of bed in the morning! Establishing a proper color palette for your equipment is key to making it really pop!
Go with bright, bold colors. Things that say, “Hey! I’m here now and I’m the HERO!” Yellows, golds, blues, reds, pinks, oranges; even some vibrant greens might work! Anything to really show your style! Also, do NOT be afraid to mix and match colors! The more colors the better I say! If you present a dazzling array of beautiful colors, your friends will know its you and not some goo-filled tentacle thing! And that’s a plus!
Let’s move on to a key accessory; footwear! Many adventurers select footwear and think only about how sturdy their shoes are or how far they can walk in their boots. This is SO wrong! You need your footwear to match your armor, or at least three of the colors included in your color palette! It also helps if it matches your hair! Think carefully before you simply grab the next pair of boots on the shelf, please!
For the ladies, heels are a must. You don’t want some foul-smelling creature to tower over you do you? That would give them an advantage! Of course, selecting the right heel is just as important as the shoe itself! You don’t want to have some thin, pointy heel that will sink into the soil! Something thick and chunky that can grip the terrain and still give you a nice five in height difference is a must, and it will have people raging over how wonderful your outfit looks.
For the men, please PLEASE consider the shine of your shoe, boot, or armor piece. Yes I know you’ve been clomping through the mud or crushing the skulls of your foes, but that does NOT mean your footwear has to look the part! Shine those things up so that I can see my reflection in them! Or, even better, get them enchanted so that mud and demon-goo doesn’t stick to them in the first place! This is a must for any aspiring, bold Knight who wants to make a name for himself.
Your body armor should, of course, have all of the basics covered. If you have no magic, you’re going to want to totally layer yourself in metal plates or at least studded leather or mail! This will keep you safe. Being safe does NOT mean you have to look terrible though!
Consider dying your armor to contrast with the colors of your tabard. If your armor is one color, and your tabard, boots, and headpiece are another with perhaps a third color laced through via a design, you will look STUNNING! Yes I know, it costs more to find the perfect armor that is both functional and the right color, but I have seen the dwarven smiths in Stormwind. They really can make armor that will amaze!
For the ladies, you want functional armor that also allows you to show off how pretty it is. I will go into more details below with my fashion no no advice!
For the men, you want your armor to be totally and completely form fitting! Have a very well developed physique beneath all of that metal? I want to know this! Each plate should be custom crafted to mold to each one of your spectacular muscles! That way, we can all see how impressive you look, but you’ll still be safe. And again, do NOT forget color! SO IMPORTANT!
An Important Tip for the Ladies, and a HUGE No No
I’m going to just say it, as we’ve all been dancing around the issue: Plate Bikinis. These are a HUGE no no. Not only do they allow your vital organs to be poked with sharp objects, but they PINCH when you walk! Did you know that? It’s horrible!
I had a friend once who was in the Queen’s Guard. Her position was known as an Eternal Champion. She tried to have a custom set of plate armor made that was, at best, a skimpy bikini! While she looked FABULOUS, the poor dear could barely walk. You know when you sit down that these plates shift and press together? They will totally pinch your skin between them. Think before you buy, that’s my motto!
Unless you are extremely skilled with magic of some sort this armor will also not protect you very much. There’s a difference between looking fabulous and making your armor useless! Most warriors that I have met don’t know which end of a wand is the ‘pointy’ end, and they would suffer greatly from a lack of defenses when wearing this type of armor!
So what do you do? You can still look amazing without giving up your protection! Consider wearing a full set of armor that has elegant designs either engraved into it or perhaps a filigree material that highlights certain areas. You could, for example, be wearing a suit of plain steel armor, with gold trim in a swirled design across your bust and bikini line, WITHOUT worrying about the lunch you just ate spilling out on the ground because someone gutted your exposed navel. You see what I’m saying? You do, I know!
Finally, accessories are key. Cloak clasps, hair clips, ribbons, pennants, designer bags…all of these things are SO important to really make your look pop. You should spare no expense finding the right accessories for the look you are assembling! Remember, if we can’t see you on the battlefield, we might think you are a evil-goo creature right? We’ll never make that mistake if you are sporting a 5,000 gold coin Haris Pilton designer hair piece!
Haris Pilton has the LATEST in fashion designs, and her bags are to die for let me tell you. You should considering getting one of her ‘Gigantique’ bags for all of your travel needs. Just don’t get them wet! You will totally ruin them if you do! I have like five of these bags and they hold EVERYTHING for me!
If you don’t want to spend quite as much, but still want to be in-style, there is a little shop in the trade district of Stormwind that is selling ‘Carriage’ brand bags. These are amazing little bags and they will totally show everyone that you know what’s what when it comes to style.
In conclusion, color, style, footwear, and accessories are all key factors when designing your look. Don’t be mistaken for a murloc, make sure that what you’re wearing will catch the eye and make you shine like the hero you are! You are all beautiful, or can be with a few simple additions to your style. Let’s make the world a more beautiful place!