by Hinote Kirase
You’d think it would go without explanation that signing up to a cult whose express purpose is not only the end of the world, but the end of all existence in general was a poor decision. Most people you ask will probably say so. But here we are today, a few months after the Cataclysm, and their numbers are continuing to go up at least as fast as they go down; which, I will assure you, is a considerably fast rate. So, since there are apparently people out there in need of persuasion on this, here’s a short list of reasons why you should endeavor not to find yourself in the Twilight’s Hammer’s ranks.
Prior to the Cataclysm, I’m guessing most people who weren’t historians, orcs, or veterans of the Second War had no idea who Cho’Gall was. It would have been really nice if it could have stayed that way, but as Kael’thas taught us years ago, insane but charismatic racial leaders have an irritating way of coming back after you think they’ve been disposed of. But I digress: Cho’Gall. He’s an ogre mage, first and foremost, which means he’s about as ugly as a cult figurehead is allowed to be. He talks a lot. In fact, both of his heads talk a lot. It gets annoying much faster than you think it would, but I guess if his strategy is to irritate people into just nodding their heads and complying so it’ll shut him up, then mission accomplished. He also has eyes all over his body, which I suppose is what happens when you spend too much time with C’Thun. It’s not only hideous, but also a little bit unnerving in that stalker-ish sort of way, because it means he’s most likely staring at you all the time. If service to the Old Gods means looking like that, I think I’ll pass.
9: Poor social ladder.
You know how you get ahead in the Twilight’s Hammer? It’s actually pretty straightforward in its simplicity, I’ll credit them that much. The surest way to get ahead is to murder the person above you, make it look like an accident, maybe give a speech afterwards about how it was “all part of the Old Gods’ plan,” and then make sure the same thing doesn’t happen to you. Sound like fun? If you’re nodding and saying “yes” as you read this, then congratulations, you’d be a perfect fit for the Twilight’s Hammer. You’re also on the watch list of the local guards for being a potential psychopathic timebomb waiting to happen. Have fun.
8. Equally poor employee treatment.
If applying for a spot in the ranks involves potentially being lit on fire, it’s probably not going to get much better from there.
7. High racial tension.
While I suppose it’s commendable in a strange, not-commendable sort of way that the Twilight’s Hammer recruits members of all races, many of said races have a history of not playing well together that carries over even after they put on the robe and wizard hat. Or cowl. I don’t know what they use these days. Either way, putting orcs, ogres, and goblins in the same cult as humans, dwarves, and gnomes is going to lead to trouble eventually. It’s better just to stay clear of the whole thing.
6. Black dragons.
I could probably do a similar list for the Black Dragonflight and put this entry there, but since the two entities are now working together, it bears mentioning here that black dragons have had something of a bad reputation for the past ten thousand or so years on account of being complete bastards. Deathwing alone has tried to kill his entire family at some point, and succeeded in killing all but one of his consorts, even putting aside the fact that he just wrecked half the planet. The other members of his flight aren’t any better; they’re only less powerful.
5. Twilight dragons.
Because if there’s anything worse than a black dragon, it’s a black dragon with reality-phasing capabilities, a double-element breath, and a much less appealing color scheme.
4. Terrible dress code.
Unless you’re one of those people that never gets tired of purple, you’re probably going to take issue with this eventually.
3. Uncomfortable working conditions.
Maybe it’s just an organization keeping to its beliefs, but the Twilight’s Hammer really seems to have something against pleasant locales. All of their holdings are some combination of purple, dead, spiked, or on fire. I can appreciate the goal of wanting to inspire dread when choosing a location for your next doom fortress, but some thought given to variety and possibly comfort would go a long way towards getting people to stick around. Do you want your work site to be inside an active volcano? Didn’t think so.
2. Old Gods.
The Twilight’s Hammer regards the Old Gods as objects worthy of worship. I’m guessing if more of them had actually seen one, the cult would be a lot smaller. I’d attach a photo example here, but because even looking at them often causes people to lose their minds on the spot, it’s probably for the best if I don’t. Just take my word for it when I say they’re psychotic, nihilistic, and well beyond hideous. They’re beings of pure chaos, and let’s be honest, we’ve all got enough of that in our lives already without submitting ourselves to deep-dwelling tentacle horrors.
Yeah, you read that right. See, I used to be in the Twilight’s Hammer myself years ago, before they had the kind of sway they have now. I know a lot of their tricks, their hideouts, all that sort of thing. It’s proven quite useful in the years I’ve spent destroying them since then. In fact, if they published an obituary, you’d probably see my name under the cause of death in a sizable portion of the entries. I dislike for this to sound like I’m issuing a threat, but I promise you this: If you join the Twilight’s Hammer, you will run into me, or someone like me, eventually. And you will lose, because we adventuring types these days murder scores of Twilight’s Hammer cultists while we’re on our way to lunch. Trust me when I tell you that your life is worth more than that.
-Hinote Kirase is an experienced warlock and officer in the Order of the Rose. She punched Ragnaros in the face.